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Alla inlägg den 9 december 2012

Av Jenny - 9 december 2012 19:20



 


The days for me seems so long, and still i dont get anything done at home.

I basicly just sit and do nothing..

And i really need to do some laundry and cleaning..

But i just sit and listening to music, thinking and thinking..

And blaming myself, wich i guess dont help...

And so wish for that all this was just a bad bad bad dream!!

 

Anyway Jon did send me a text earlier wich said "Move on hun"...

And i did reply that it isnt that easy and if it was that easy i would have already.

I mean i cant say that i enjoy feeling shit and low for 6 months just cause its fun!

And if hes 100% sure thats what he wants, he can come here and say it to my face.

Not to much to ask i think.. But he only aswered "Hmm!" to that..

 

Just talked to my mum on skype, and she so wished she could do something to help..

And feels abit sad for me...

But i put myself in this situation and i have given the "power" to Jon..

So its all up to him now, i can only sit here and wait.

Wich is really hard, since we have talked tons everyday and now his all quite..

I wanna write something like all the time to him, but affraid that will push him away..

So im doing my best not to..

 

Hugs And Kisses

 

 

 

 

 

Av Jenny - 9 december 2012 13:53




 


And that is how i feel about this...


Hugs And Kisses

Av Jenny - 9 december 2012 13:47


This song means so much to me, and everytime i hear it i start to smile and feel so good..

Its the first song Jon recorded on his phone and sended to me, but he was the one singing ofc.

Such a unique thing to do, lets hope that connection and feelings still means much..

 

Hugs And Kisses

<3

Av Jenny - 9 december 2012 13:22







Hugs And Kisses

Av Jenny - 9 december 2012 11:57


Jag kommer kunna sova normalt igen, just nu verkar det totalt omöjligt.

Fast jag känner att jag är så sjukt trött och skulle kunna somna sittandes.

Men när jag lägger mig i sängen, ja då går det bara inte att somna.
Somna väl runt 4 eller nått imorse, helt sjukt och vaknade vid 8..

Sen dess har jag legat i soffan.


Antar att det är för jag har för mycket som snurrar i skallen.

Får hoppas att det snart blir bättre, håller inte i längden liksom.


Idag tänkte jag ta och städa lite här hemma och försöka att inte grubbla för mycket..

Jag kan inte påverka, utan bara hoppas så...


Hugs And Kisses

Av Jenny - 9 december 2012 03:39


 


Jag har inte kunnat sova bra alls nu på ett par nätter, och det är inte annorlunda denna natt..

Blir galen på detta!!!!

Känner ju att jag är super trött i ögonen mm, men jag har tusen tankar i skallen.

Så jag kan liksom inte slappna av alls.

Och så hoppas jag ju som sagt att detta ska gå vägen, inte likt mig att vara såhär..

Men värt "slåss" lite för liksom..

 

Nej nu ska jag försöka somna, ögonen går ju i kors typ..

 

Hugs And Kisses

Av Jenny - 9 december 2012 03:03


I will write this in english, so if this person its about reads it...

Then he will understand aswell...

 

Almost 2 years ago when i played my computer game, a very special person came into my life..

We had an incredible connection from the start, we like chit chatted all the days etc..

It was almost like i had known him all my life..

And yeah i fell harder and harder for him.. And after like 3 months he bought me a ticket to go over and visit him.

So i did, with tons of butterflies in my stomac and so excited over it all...

I had the most amasing week i´ve ever had, but silly oh me didnt showed him for 1 sec how i felt..

Even tho we had talked about it before etc... So the day come when it was time for me to go home, and he basicly said after that i had behaved like a "icequeen" against him.. Wich made me feel crap, cause deep inside i know my feelings towards him was everything except cold.

Time went by and i met another guy etc and we kind of didnt talk as much.

But i finished it, cause i couldnt really stop thinking about Jon..

Then i decided to contact him and we talked for awile and then i decided to open up in the winter again, cause i missed him like crazy... I didnt just want to be friends..

But of course he had a hard time believing me and he had even started dated another women, but it wasnt serious..

And after we had started to chit chat alot again, he decided to come here.

To have a weekend in stockholm and then i could show the real me, and how i really felt about him..

I had so many plans i my head, i had even bought flowers.. But as i was waiting at the airport for the plane to come in, i kind of freaked out and let my bad thoughts etc take over again.. And all i could think about was that he actually had a women back home, even if he said they were not even dating anymore or like in that way..

So before he even arrived i had threw the flowers away and the "icequeen" arrived again...

No hug, no nothing hardly when he finally arrived... But deep inside i wanted to just hug and kiss him and tell him how i felt.. But i just didnt, why you prolly ask? Yeah thats a really good question.. Im so freaking affraid to be hurt, so i hurt myself instead basicly..

Anyway after we checked in etc at the hotell and made our self ready to go out.. We went to a resturant to have dinner..

I was so nervous and i basicly just preyed that he would take the first move for a kiss or something.. But he didnt..

And at the resturant as we were waiting for the food, he said something that kind of have hunted me since then" Well Jen what you want and feel?", and again instead of saying what i really wanted i answer "i dont know".. And of course since i had hurt him abit in the past he took the safe way and said " I think its best we stay friends, or what you think?".. And stupid as i am, i just said "ok".. 

I mean seriously, what is wrong with me???? Thats so not what i wanted at all!!!!!!!!

But we did have a great weekend , even if i fucked it up AGAIN!!!!!

I went home thinking that he just said it cause he had the other girl, even tho he said he didnt..

But thats all that went around in my head, sadly....

 

All the time after that ive been asking myself, why ? why didnt i just say how it is?

How come i instead let myself sit and be so sad and feel like crap..

Even on my 6 weeks holiday in Turkey my mum said, whats wrong your always looking sad and never wanna do anything.. Well here is the answer, i felt like crap...

 

In june i did send him a 7 or 8 pages long letter explaining it all to him, hoping that he would understand etc..

But i didnt hear a thing about the letter, we talked abit now and then. But not a single word about my letter.

I thought it was cause he didnt even wanna think about, just stay friends and move on. But now i know he never got it, and i should have known that. Cause he wouldnt have just let it be and not talk about it, he told me that himself. And deep inside i know aswell..

But that was what i was thinking, so i basicly just worked and stayed home feeling crap and sad over that i lost my chance.. 

 

Then came november and i just couldnt let this be anymore, so after a few days of chit chatting. Talking about our lifes etc, he told me he seeing the girl again, but not like girlfriend and boyfriend. They just enjoy the other persons company.. So i decided one day when we chatted to just say it, exactly how i feel and so on.

And tryed to explain what happend i stockholm and why i didt show it there.

That im really madly in love with him and that i just cant let it go..

 

So thats where we are right now, i know hes so scared and cant go threw one more time that i hurt him the way i have twice.. And that he of course is kind of seeing that other women..But i couldnt go on not letting him know how i feel, i just hope im not to late and that the feelings is strong still.. Because we sure have something special.. I have never ever known another person who makes me feel so good, that im "perfect" the way i am and that he dont wanna change me and so on.. And i have never ever had that kind of connection either... Hes the one i want to tell if something happens in my life, good or bad. And i know he listens and dont judges me.. He a unique man, and a wonderful person..

And i know he still has feelings etc, but the question is.. 

Will he give me one last chance?

Or did i actually blew it..  ..

 

 

 

This is a short version of it all, and i dont really care if someone thinks im insane or whatever..

And im sorry if my english isnt perfect, but i think its good enuff to understand atleast..

I know ive tryed to date others etc, but im not intrested.. My feelings for this person is way to strong..

Now i just cross my fingers and hope im not to late...

 

Hugs And Kisses

 

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